Wait for something.

[Music]

She fears two things in this world.

And it’s the problem of what gives the most strength, love, that has lead to this fear. She knows it. She won’t ever share it but she knows, god she knows, and sometimes it’s so overwhelming she can’t sleep. Sometimes she stays awake despite the body next to her and stares at the stars through the window. It racks her body because it’d be so easy.

Loss is the utmost fear she holds.

On Krypton, her home planet, they were taught not to fear but accept it and accept the love those that are gone had for you. To keep that going. To mourn for a day, more if needed, and then let the pain become something positive. Not positive in that they’re gone, but positive for the lessons they taught you.

On Earth? It’s so different. There is no song to be sung in remembrance with a beautiful loving tune. There are only songs of the sad, the dead, love is there but there is so much pain. There is only cries of heartbreak and begs to come back to just be okay one last time because there was something they never got to say. They just- they just want-

Things are so different here. It’s impossible for her not to feel the pain or the need to scream and hit something in return. She wants nothing more than to hear the songs of her people because there’s so much pain, pain, pain. When does it stop? When will it?

Part of her knows, however, that now- you need to feel the pain in order to heal properly. In order to move on. It makes her wonder if her people were repressed if there was something fundamentally wrong with them that she was taught just not to see. It’s not a question of feeling, they felt loss, happiness, anger, but there was...less pain.

It makes her throat burn and tears well. How utterly wrong is it?

She still wakes with nightmares about her planet. Every time there’s an explosion she has to death with she has to fight off the memories and panic. Every time she watches Star Wars, Star Trek, with her friends there are certain scenes she has to skip. And it- it makes her wonder.

Is she wrong?

Herself, she fears herself too.

Maybe it’s because she can see all the looks Clark can’t when he or she stops a plane from crashing, holds a building up, or throws an enemy into the distance. She can see the fear in their eyes, and the gasps, the way they flinch back terrified and- she- she feels awful about it, despite it not being her fault at all.

Maybe it’s because of the way the Danvers raised her. They did it to protect her, she knows it, but she hated touching things let alone people. She was terrified of herself because they would repeat the mantra of, never use your powers in front of other people, as a girl it came out as never use your powers and hide.

She’s terrified to hug Alex too tight. Terrified to lend a hand to Lena or Winn. She’s terrified of becoming too excited with J’onn. She’s just terrified of herself because she can see the potential for a monster in herself if she ever went down the darkest road.

And the sad thing? She see’s how easy it would be for her.

All they would have to do would be to take Alex or Lena, J’onn, Ray, Eliza, or her friends from her. Her new world and extinguish their lives. She knows she’d become developed in a darkness unable to be pulled from because she’s felt too much loss in her life. She knows how easy it would be for darkness to cloud her judgment and to think she was doing the right thing if she-

So she fears herself. She fears her hands. Her heart. Her love for other people. So much, when she wakes with nightmares plagued with her planet she flinches from everyone and climbs to the highest height she can before letting herself drop back down to the earth. Regardless of the crater, she makes. Regardless of the clothes, she ruins.

She fears herself but locks it away among other people.

Does anyone know that she’s more scared of herself than anyone else will? That she self-loathes when she hurts someone by accident? Does anyone understand why she flies so high to scream? Does anyone know why she’s only ever cried in front of Lena and Alex?

No, she guesses, they don’t.

Is she a bad guy? She thinks so.

Does Alex know why she likes Ray so much? Because she can see the darkness in his eyes, but never in the deepest point in his soul. Maybe she can relate. He reminds her of the word, ue, of brother. She won’t tell him though.

Do the others know why she loves Lena so much? Because she can see the pain there, and yet she just wants to help, never falling into the same path as her brother. She can relate. Lena is so good, so right, and the world can’t see it. She can.

She loves Alex because her sister is just that, her sister, her yellow sun, her strength. She taught her what it meant to live a life on Earth and she could never thank her enough for her sacrifices to ensure her happiness. She hopes Maggie is enough to give her happiness in return.

Her heart is full but broken and she wonders if anyone notices.

She's waiting for something, and she wonders if anyone notices.

E-mail me when people leave their comments –

You need to be a member of Writer's Realm - Roleplay to add comments!

Join Writer's Realm - Roleplay

Comments

  • A good read. Thank you for sharing! 

  • "Never worry dear sister. For if everyone else In your life was to vanish. Know that I will forever be the one constant in your life. I am here to stay and I am not going anywhere.
    You need not fear becoming a monster. I am the monster, a role I gladly play so you don't have to. With me as the evil one. You get to be the good one. The shining beacon of hope and goodness in the world. With me as the evil twin, you get to be the good twin, the righteous one. Even though I hate to acknowledge it, deep down, a part of me knows love. In that love, I love you as a sister, as a twin. Chin up sister. Know that you can always count on me to remove your darkness so that you may be filled with light."
This reply was deleted.