Crimson sighs and thinks to themselves for the umteenth time as they stare at a blank page of lined paper. 'Why do people--no beings do this? From what I understand they don't usually follow through with it.... But, I said I was going to try to be better about not being cynical or as snarky....' They sigh again and the soft scratch of the pen on paper produces the heading of "New Year's Resolutions for the being known as Crimson."
'I wonder if I have to keep it in my pockets or should I write out several and put them where I can see them? Will I get tired of trying in a few days or will I get as far as a few months? Why am I even attempting to do this silly exercise?' With that they put down the pen and glare at the paper for a bit before a hazy half remembered memory comes to them.
A soft gentle voice after all the pain whispering, "You yet live. Will you give up here after all that you did to gain your freedom? I know your pain. I have shared it...most of my 'family' has in one way or another...will you let your former captors win?" An almost imperceptible touch makes Crimson put away and into themselves more with an animalistic sound. "Easy. You'll hurt yourself more if you keep being like that. I am not here to hurt you, if I was I wouldn't have taken the time to talk. I would have just attacked," the gentle voice murmurs almost inaudibly. "Make your choice, will you live and spite your former captors or will you die here out of self loathing and mistrust? I won't help an unwilling being out in the middle of nowhere and the devil's forgotten balls. I am blind not stupid."
The last had been in a wry tone but there was an underlying laughter Crimson thought now. They had chosen to live, obviously. Iris and company had tried to show them how to really live. How to laugh and all that but Crimson had not been able to open up the way they had after it all. That was how they had ended up here. Alone. Like a f*cking idiot. They shake their head and sigh as they pick up the pen again. Writing down:
1. Try to socialize more.
2. Try not to be so cynical and salty.
3. That includes being less snarky.
4. Maybe make friends out here.
5. If all the other things work out, try to reconnect with Iris and the others???
Crimson snorts, sets down the pen again, and stares down at number five. Barely resisting the urge to tear up the page or scribble out the last two resolutions on it. 'What the f*uck am I thinking? No one really wants to make friends with a creature like me....I mean, if they did, why don't I have friends here already? I have tried to talk to others here. But, I get brushed off and it isn't as though anyone has really approached me. I mean Sarah and them had been nice-ish but then they all vanished. I had looked for them but it is like they don't exist and never had....'
They sigh and rub a hand over their face, wondering for a moment what had possessed them to even contemplate this frustrating exercise in folly anyway. They start to pick up the page and crumple it but something makes them stop. Crimson growls in frustration wanting to shift forms and pace or fly but refraining. Cursing aloud they pick up the pen again and add a sixth line.
6. Continue to try even when you want to give up or when you especially think it is foolishness.
They grumble to themselves about how dumb this all is and how it won't make any difference. That even having a physical list isn't going to help them with anything but no matter the arguments they don't end up crumpling the paper or tearing it. They don't even toss it in the fire. They do put it in one of the deep pockets of their backpack. The one that has about twenty or so letters to Iris and the others. Along with a few sketches of missing posters for Sarah and company.
After all that they extinguish the light. Settle down on their small make shift bed and hugging tight to their backpack as they try to keep warm. And, as sleep starts to take them under Crimson allows a tiny hope to flare to life that this might actually be a better year even though they know it is pure foolishness.