Uninitialized/unbold is quotes from Unrequited Love, a play in Nine Acts, written by Sabrina Bernaim.
The second character, Arch, does not belong to me, but to The Muses.
Also, this might not make perfect sense to most, but to be honest, I wrote this because it fits the two characters and their relationship, and most of you don't even know about Mouse's history with Arch. So just bear through it if you wanna read it.
The question hangs
A hook through my pink cheek
“How did you do that thing that you did to my heart?”
Mouse watched the boy, who shared her birth name, even if it was spelled different: Arch. She was eight, in a strange place, with this strange boy. "What're you staring at?" He asked, almost shyly, stacking books about spells onto the shelf.
"Why?" Arch wanted to know why, even if he was slightly nervous.
"You're just weird to me." Weird was the wrong word, but it was the word she chose at the time. She should have said unique. She never did.
But he just laughed it off, and Mouse smiled. Before they could continue their conversation, Arch's twin brother, Moth, walked into the room. "Hey, South needs you, Arch."
Mouse never said how nice his smile was either.
Because isn’t the real tragedy
How you found yourselves
In one another
How you took one brief look
Into the mirror of her
….and walked away.
She was fifteen, he was sixteen. They were alone, but not.
Mouse hadn't seen her family in years, and Arch lost his brother. They had both lost South.
But they had each other, and found each other in new ways, tangled limbs and in each other's arms.
And yet, she lost him for a while.
The girl’s arms are empty.
But her fists are filled with the laughter of ghosts,
Watch their fitful ridicule each time
She cries over love
Less real than they are
He was gone.
No, he would be back.
He was gone.
No, he would be back.
He was gone.
Why couldn't she swallow that fact? Often, when studying, she wasn't thinking about the magick she should have been learning.
No, her teenage brain must have been rewired to transmit her thoughts about him. Was he alright? Had he found who he was looking for?
Did she ever tell him how beautiful his smile was when she had the chance?
There are baseballs
Falling out of my mouth
Each ball a name
Of a body
That I reached for in the dark
To find myself
A parade of honest names
Slip from the grip of my loose gloved jaw
The love I want
Is a basketball
A heavy thumping in the chest
When it is my turn to step up to the plate
I do not swing
I do not swing
She unfolds and folds the letter she had left for him. There were the following words, about how she couldn't go with him to find his father, how she needed to stay, to practice magick, to find her own family.
Mouse never told Arch how beautiful his smile was. She never said the words out loud:
"Arch had a beautiful smile."
Because had is a word fit only for the songs dedicated to those you lose, and she didn't want to accept she had lost him.
Her name is a wooden ship
To try to force it into his glass wooden heart would only
She was older now. Twenty, with her first child, Rosa. And he had came back, just as sweet as she remembered him.
A montage of all the times I wish you had taken my name
And when you didn’t
A montage of all the places I wished myself far far away to
Basically any place I never saw your smile
She curled up by him, and once again, they were entangled in each other. His hair had only grown out longer, so she often found herself playing with it, braiding it after brushing it with her fingers. Then, she would curl up by him, and fall asleep. It was natural as breathing.
What is the name of a place that everyone can see is burning?
But no one can feel the effects of the smoke or the heat of the flames, except the place.
And that place is not a place,
But a person
And that person is the ‘I’ in my poem
Only it’s my real life body that aches.
He was shaking. Mouse had no clue from what- some sort of with drawl, a flash back, something. She didn't know what he held inside. "Arch?" Her hand outstretches for him. But he waves it away, leaning against the counter for support.
"I'm fine." He wasn't fine though. Demons breached under his skin, yearning for release.
And isn’t that love?
Not being able to see the explosion,
Even though you are the one holding the bomb.
And that bomb is you?
Later that night, he spoons her, holding her tight as possible. Even though she can't tell, he can: She's pregnant. Fear consumes him of all that might go wrong with the pregnancy. Mouse wasn't physically strong, and another birth could make her heart give out.
The girl’s hair turns to forget me nots
Her bones soften to willow branches, her skin flakes maple leaves,
Her chest is now a cabinet of well stacked cigar boxes,
Caskets carrying memories, she is slow turning to ash
In lieu of conversation she passes smokes.
The girl collects seashells
Upturns them into bowls
Fills them with dried lavender and amethyst
In hope she’ll meet someone new
Remembering is her favorite pastime.
"How could you do this to me?" She demands to know. Why would he try to take away the possible chance of them having kids? Her body, her choice- if she didn't want to have the kids, she would have gone to a clinic
What she doesn't realize is he did it for her. But Mouse's justified anger blazes too bright for him to tell her that.
She cannot hold her heart up without trembling
So she hides it away in bottomless midnights
Which are her grief
But are also her lust
They find other vices, that don't include each other. Mouse is focused on being a mother, and Arch is devoted to being a father. But nights bring strangers and liquor bottles.
The girl is now a girl who is also a whale
Full of unoccupied space
And it is tragic how she displaces her emptiness with lonliness
How she wants
And Mouse gets scared. She starts to see that she isn't as happy as she should be.
Needs to know why;
Why the boy might
Want to live so far away from her now
When his house is just a couple minutes south
And all that space just lays still,
Loud as a snail’s cry
And wouldn’t I know about crawling up inside one’s self?
Wouldn’t I know about a body full of waiting
And a floor clean as a plate in a cupboard holding nine plates ontop of it
How it is so unbearable
And when she thinks of unhappiness, she thinks of her foster mother, Jade. Jade had been happy, once upon a time. Then, once she lost almost everyone, she couldn't be happy. Jade couldn't do much, infact. Most twenty four hours for Jade played out in her own room. Mouse saw how trapped Jade was by that heavy sadness.
She didn't want to be Jade. So Mouse found happiness in who she had.
There, in her arms, were two beautiful baby girls. They had Arch's dark hair. One was pale, one was a shade darker. One was silent, the other was loud. They became part of Mouse's world. They became her cluster of stars- Cassiopeia and Sirius, her two beautiful daughters.
How it makes the girl feel helpless
This period of heavy pockets
Her heart is unwilling to make
"Mouse, you're not suppose to be using so much magick."
"It's to set up wards, for the house-"
"You can't that Mouse."
Did you hear me?
I said I love you.
I said I still love you.
Mouse forgot to tell Arch how beautiful his smile was once she had him back in her life. She didn't forget the first time they kissed under an orange blossom tree, years ago. She could never forget how big of a dorky kid he was.
When he was gone, she thought of him. When he was there, she held him.
She'll never ask him to be with her-
She's terrified of the possibility she could lose him again. But she loves him. There are some things he did she could never forget, and one thing he did she'll never forgive. And there are somethings she did to him that she'll never forgive herself for. And now?
Now she tries to just focus on him and their kids. Her family, her legacy and her love.