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Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening.
Welcome to the Federal Department of Cosmic Anomalies.
Here, we pride ourselves on discovering, researching, and containing cosmic anomalies that enter our world. You might be wondering, what is a cosmic anomaly? Well, to answer that question properly would take a day—or even a whole week—so I'll give you the short version.
Think of a black hole and how it is formed by a dying star. Now imagine that black hole appearing right inside your kitchen. There goes your morning coffee, am I right? Gotta Lego your Eggos. Makes you feel like a silly rabbit trying to take Trix—even though they're for kids.
Forgive the puns.
All jokes aside, the FDCA is here to research and, hopefully, contain these anomalies. They come in many different forms and shapes, but they all share one critical trait:
They were created.
Not by human hands. Not by technology. But through sheer thought.
Like an idea that came to someone in a dream.
These anomalies are incredibly rare and must be preserved. They can be objects, rocks, places, or even people. We classify these anomalies as Cosmic Items of Power, or CIPs.
If you are ever near a CIP, do not engage with it. These items are beyond human comprehension. Anything can happen in their presence. Therefore, for your safety and the safety of everyone around you:
DO NOT INTERACT WITH A CIP.
Just talking about CIPs is making me thirsty... if only that black hole hadn't swallowed the kitchen.
Now then, let's discuss people who are connected to CIPs.
We call them CAUs—Cosmic Avatar Users.
They appear to be linked to one or more entities that exist outside our realm. These individuals possess paranormal abilities that can cause catastrophic consequences if left unchecked. They must be monitored around the clock, properly fed, and kept on a strict daily routine.
Otherwise...
Well, we'd rather not find out.
One example is Subject T89503, a CAU with the ability to reanimate the dead. The bodies he raises can either be fully restored or only partially revived, leading to unfortunate results such as zombies or corpses with missing ligaments. He appears to accomplish this by mixing his blood with the deceased, allowing him to either create undead servants or fully resurrect the individual.
He can also animate dolls, granting them life. This phenomenon is exceptionally rare. Even more disturbing, the dolls become so lifelike that they are often indistinguishable from real people.
Subject T89503 suffers from [REDACTED]due to the events of [REDACTED]. Records also indicate a long history of [REDACTED].
An interesting case, if you ask me.
And he's only one of many CAUs currently under observation. I'm certain there are countless more waiting to be discovered.
So join us today in our mission to protect mankind from these cosmic anomalies.
Join now and receive free dental, healthcare, and a 401(k) retirement plan.
Trust me...
You'll need it.
My name is James Elmwood, and I approve this message.
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You will never leave./survive./
God damn it can someone shut off that F—
[If you see things or hear things that aren’t there please report to HR.]
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